That's how far we are from total and complete domination in a miraculous come-from-behind-season. (listening to: The Hormel Row of Fame theme song)
So, The Emotional Gremlin took me to a Twins game last night. We sat in the third row behind home plate. Liriano gave up two quick runs in the first, but then settled in and pitched one HELL of a game against a tough team. 12 strikeouts for the kid... which EG called on the nose (I took the under. I didn't think Gardy would let him play 8 innings. My bad). The Twinks answered back with runs in the first and third innings, making the score a 2-2 tie until the 11th inning. Unfortunately, the Tigers got one run in the top, and we couldn't answer back. My homeslice hero Jason "Renyt" Tyner had a few chances to be a hero, but went 0-5 last night. Which wasn't good. But, c'est la vie, and we got two more games against them this weekend. SKOL Twins.
In other news, I'd really like to thank the people who helped me out over the last couple days with my car troubles. AlFREDo, The Rooster, EG, Halsey, you guys bent over backwards and really came through when I needed you. Thanks a TON. I owe you one. you're good friends to have.
Now, I have to go shoe shopping for my fringe show, which everyone's coming to see, right??? And then I have rehearsal for said show... God help us all.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
The Way Things Are
Alright. Here's the thing. I have several issues here, and I'm going to list them in no particular order. (listening to: Sports Night Theme)
1) This blog is about the Madjai. People start posting my first and last name up here regularly, and I'm going to be upset. It's not that I take internet anonymity very seriously, but as a favor to me, I'm the Madjai. Thanks.
2) This is not a bashing ground. People who know me, know that I'm a pretty fair guy who tends to get too emotionally involved in other people's business. Some of my friends like this, because they think it means I care, and I want to be a part of their lives. It does. But it also makes me a fucking doormat sometimes, and that's my problem.
Walker, I love you. You've always been on my side, and you never let me get stupid about myself. There are times that you and I see eye to eye on a lot of things, and you're one of the most important people in my life. And because I love you, I think you'll take this the right way. Be nice. I fucked my own relationships up on my own, and those little pieces I have left of what's good in my life I'm trying to hold on to. I apologize for deleting your last comment, but don't think that I don't agree with it. Pieces of it, anyway. More on that in a minute.
Opal, you've always been a cheerleader, and I appreciate that about you, but in this much, Walker is right. Things don't always end up happily. In fact, people die alone in this world every day, and if others could fix that by telling each other that they just *know* everything is going to be ok, then we'd all be famous and rich. The fact is that just ain't so. Some people find the one they're looking for and live happily ever after with them, and others don't, and they die with the memories that for just a few years, they had someone they cared about more than anything else. Someone they cared about enough to not kill themselves because their life was shitty, but that person gave them hope enough to keep living. Even if it WAS stupid hope that would never come true.
To Daisy, I have brought enough bullshit into her life as it stands right now, and I'm not going to bring it up again by launching into it again here. She knows how I feel, and as much as I try, that's not going to change anytime soon. I wish it could.
3) This is MY blog. Everyone has their own, so if someone feels the need to snipe at someone, go to their blog and do it. I will not allow my friends to rip on each other here, and I will NOT let my problems be the cause of additional problems that are NOT my fault. If you want to tell me you're in my corner, please do. I need that right now. Every day sucks a little bit more ass than the last one, and what I need most right now are my friends telling me that I'm not the complete asshole I feel like. What I don't need are people telling me that I should be looking at this from the other side of the coin. Trust me when I tell you right now that I KNOW what the other side of the coin is, I've looked at this from all the angles, but until you've been where I am, and where Walker has been, you don't get to tell us that things are going to work out. Sometimes they just don't. But that doesn't mean we go hunting to hurt people's feelings. Not on my watch. Walker may seem like he's being mean, and it may come off that way, but he's being loyal. He's being a real friend, and while I think he's a bit off-base, and doesn't have all the information, he's been through this only about a million times bigger, so we're all going to cut him some slack.
Some of you have called, some have e-mailed, and everyone wants to be there, and for me to talk about it. I really don't want to, and I apologize if this has hurt some of your feelings. It's not personal, but I don't want to get into it, because it's still too close to home. I thank you for your support, and I DO need good friends right now. So comment away, but leave your comments for ME here. Take your others elsewhere. And that goes for everyone.
That's it, I'm done. *waves hand and leaves*
1) This blog is about the Madjai. People start posting my first and last name up here regularly, and I'm going to be upset. It's not that I take internet anonymity very seriously, but as a favor to me, I'm the Madjai. Thanks.
2) This is not a bashing ground. People who know me, know that I'm a pretty fair guy who tends to get too emotionally involved in other people's business. Some of my friends like this, because they think it means I care, and I want to be a part of their lives. It does. But it also makes me a fucking doormat sometimes, and that's my problem.
Walker, I love you. You've always been on my side, and you never let me get stupid about myself. There are times that you and I see eye to eye on a lot of things, and you're one of the most important people in my life. And because I love you, I think you'll take this the right way. Be nice. I fucked my own relationships up on my own, and those little pieces I have left of what's good in my life I'm trying to hold on to. I apologize for deleting your last comment, but don't think that I don't agree with it. Pieces of it, anyway. More on that in a minute.
Opal, you've always been a cheerleader, and I appreciate that about you, but in this much, Walker is right. Things don't always end up happily. In fact, people die alone in this world every day, and if others could fix that by telling each other that they just *know* everything is going to be ok, then we'd all be famous and rich. The fact is that just ain't so. Some people find the one they're looking for and live happily ever after with them, and others don't, and they die with the memories that for just a few years, they had someone they cared about more than anything else. Someone they cared about enough to not kill themselves because their life was shitty, but that person gave them hope enough to keep living. Even if it WAS stupid hope that would never come true.
To Daisy, I have brought enough bullshit into her life as it stands right now, and I'm not going to bring it up again by launching into it again here. She knows how I feel, and as much as I try, that's not going to change anytime soon. I wish it could.
3) This is MY blog. Everyone has their own, so if someone feels the need to snipe at someone, go to their blog and do it. I will not allow my friends to rip on each other here, and I will NOT let my problems be the cause of additional problems that are NOT my fault. If you want to tell me you're in my corner, please do. I need that right now. Every day sucks a little bit more ass than the last one, and what I need most right now are my friends telling me that I'm not the complete asshole I feel like. What I don't need are people telling me that I should be looking at this from the other side of the coin. Trust me when I tell you right now that I KNOW what the other side of the coin is, I've looked at this from all the angles, but until you've been where I am, and where Walker has been, you don't get to tell us that things are going to work out. Sometimes they just don't. But that doesn't mean we go hunting to hurt people's feelings. Not on my watch. Walker may seem like he's being mean, and it may come off that way, but he's being loyal. He's being a real friend, and while I think he's a bit off-base, and doesn't have all the information, he's been through this only about a million times bigger, so we're all going to cut him some slack.
Some of you have called, some have e-mailed, and everyone wants to be there, and for me to talk about it. I really don't want to, and I apologize if this has hurt some of your feelings. It's not personal, but I don't want to get into it, because it's still too close to home. I thank you for your support, and I DO need good friends right now. So comment away, but leave your comments for ME here. Take your others elsewhere. And that goes for everyone.
That's it, I'm done. *waves hand and leaves*
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Picking up the Pieces
Wow.. this one is going to be tough to write. (listening to: random bar music)
Couldn't go home after work tonight. Too much there that reminds me of something I both want to forget, and know that I don't really want to forget- what I really want is to selectively remember. This and that memory, I'll keep. Last night and selected other days I'd like to toss, please.
It's not really for me to post lengthily on this, and please don't call me and ask me if I "want to talk about it." Because I don't. I'm pretty sure that even forcing me to think about what all has happened in the last 24 hours is enough to make me want to hurt something. A lot. Suffice to say, Someone who I thought was very close to me has made a very important life choice recently (or, as I found out, a while ago), and that choice precludes us being close anymore. Such is life, I suppose.
I find myself in the oddest state of being. I'd really like to hate. To be so angry, and rip things up and burn them, but I can't. I find that I harbor, honestly, no anger towards the other person, but rather only to myself for allowing this charade to go on as long as it has. It's ironic that I have no one to be angry at except myself, and I don't even really think I did anything wrong. Maybe someday when I die, God will show me what I should have done differently, and this will all make sense, but until then, I'm stuck with a big plate of Mama Zlata's Self-Loathing on All-You-Can-Eat night.
Little pieces that have memory attached to them don't become repulsive to me, but rather precious. Piling them all into a box was not the act of anger, but more of an almost scientific experiment to see if I had enough pieces of tiny happiness to, voltron-like, construct a whole. Turns out I don't. And the curvy writing that was hard enough to read with a smile acros my face is even more difficult through tears to decipher. It's only the fact that my cursed photographic memory has memorized those words so very long ago that their meaning comes unbidden to my mind. I wrapped myself in them like a cocoon, hoping that when I came out of them, I'd find that I had grown wings in the interim, and could fly out here on their multi-colored freedom. Alas, I could not. A caterpillar I remain.
Well, perhaps at the very worst, I'll be able to construct an entire emo album out of this event. When life gives you lemons... No.. I can't make lemonade out of this, I want to, I really do.. I just can't.
I need real friends. Please tell me you're out there, and that yes, Madjai, you're an idiot. But you're our idiot, and we still love you.
Please.
Couldn't go home after work tonight. Too much there that reminds me of something I both want to forget, and know that I don't really want to forget- what I really want is to selectively remember. This and that memory, I'll keep. Last night and selected other days I'd like to toss, please.
It's not really for me to post lengthily on this, and please don't call me and ask me if I "want to talk about it." Because I don't. I'm pretty sure that even forcing me to think about what all has happened in the last 24 hours is enough to make me want to hurt something. A lot. Suffice to say, Someone who I thought was very close to me has made a very important life choice recently (or, as I found out, a while ago), and that choice precludes us being close anymore. Such is life, I suppose.
I find myself in the oddest state of being. I'd really like to hate. To be so angry, and rip things up and burn them, but I can't. I find that I harbor, honestly, no anger towards the other person, but rather only to myself for allowing this charade to go on as long as it has. It's ironic that I have no one to be angry at except myself, and I don't even really think I did anything wrong. Maybe someday when I die, God will show me what I should have done differently, and this will all make sense, but until then, I'm stuck with a big plate of Mama Zlata's Self-Loathing on All-You-Can-Eat night.
Little pieces that have memory attached to them don't become repulsive to me, but rather precious. Piling them all into a box was not the act of anger, but more of an almost scientific experiment to see if I had enough pieces of tiny happiness to, voltron-like, construct a whole. Turns out I don't. And the curvy writing that was hard enough to read with a smile acros my face is even more difficult through tears to decipher. It's only the fact that my cursed photographic memory has memorized those words so very long ago that their meaning comes unbidden to my mind. I wrapped myself in them like a cocoon, hoping that when I came out of them, I'd find that I had grown wings in the interim, and could fly out here on their multi-colored freedom. Alas, I could not. A caterpillar I remain.
Well, perhaps at the very worst, I'll be able to construct an entire emo album out of this event. When life gives you lemons... No.. I can't make lemonade out of this, I want to, I really do.. I just can't.
I need real friends. Please tell me you're out there, and that yes, Madjai, you're an idiot. But you're our idiot, and we still love you.
Please.
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