Wow.. this one is going to be tough to write. (listening to: random bar music)
Couldn't go home after work tonight. Too much there that reminds me of something I both want to forget, and know that I don't really want to forget- what I really want is to selectively remember. This and that memory, I'll keep. Last night and selected other days I'd like to toss, please.
It's not really for me to post lengthily on this, and please don't call me and ask me if I "want to talk about it." Because I don't. I'm pretty sure that even forcing me to think about what all has happened in the last 24 hours is enough to make me want to hurt something. A lot. Suffice to say, Someone who I thought was very close to me has made a very important life choice recently (or, as I found out, a while ago), and that choice precludes us being close anymore. Such is life, I suppose.
I find myself in the oddest state of being. I'd really like to hate. To be so angry, and rip things up and burn them, but I can't. I find that I harbor, honestly, no anger towards the other person, but rather only to myself for allowing this charade to go on as long as it has. It's ironic that I have no one to be angry at except myself, and I don't even really think I did anything wrong. Maybe someday when I die, God will show me what I should have done differently, and this will all make sense, but until then, I'm stuck with a big plate of Mama Zlata's Self-Loathing on All-You-Can-Eat night.
Little pieces that have memory attached to them don't become repulsive to me, but rather precious. Piling them all into a box was not the act of anger, but more of an almost scientific experiment to see if I had enough pieces of tiny happiness to, voltron-like, construct a whole. Turns out I don't. And the curvy writing that was hard enough to read with a smile acros my face is even more difficult through tears to decipher. It's only the fact that my cursed photographic memory has memorized those words so very long ago that their meaning comes unbidden to my mind. I wrapped myself in them like a cocoon, hoping that when I came out of them, I'd find that I had grown wings in the interim, and could fly out here on their multi-colored freedom. Alas, I could not. A caterpillar I remain.
Well, perhaps at the very worst, I'll be able to construct an entire emo album out of this event. When life gives you lemons... No.. I can't make lemonade out of this, I want to, I really do.. I just can't.
I need real friends. Please tell me you're out there, and that yes, Madjai, you're an idiot. But you're our idiot, and we still love you.
Please.
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8 comments:
I dont think i deserve to be considered not a real friend. I didn't do this to hurt you nick, rather I've done all this in the way that i have, to NOT hurt you. You should know me better than that. please . . .
You'll delete this, I'm sure, but you need to know that i didn't do this to hurt you. I've made the decisions I have in my life because they feel right to me. I'm all i know to be true, nick and i'm following what little direction i've been given lately.
I dont want to stop being your friend. I've never wanted to stop being your friend. I'm not making that decision nick. Just because I've chosen to move to California and possibly WITH someone, does not mean I do not want to remain friends with you. I've never wanted anything more.
I hate that you are hurting. I hate that you feel like hating something. I had a dream last night that i was in a small room with one other person and we were murdering each other. Into my leg, the knife kept stabbing, over and over and deeper and more violently each time. That's what i feel like. like what we are doing to each other. we keep hurting each other. a little more each time. its not heathly nick. and i dont know how to make it better.
god, if i could. you KNOW i would.
this will be my last comment to you. you've deleted me from all connections to you online. i got the point.
i got it.
I appreciate the comment, anon, but without a very good understanding of the situation, I doubt the advice would be well heeded.
PS- There's a reason I didn't allow anonymous posting. If you'd like to engage in the discussion, please do so honestly. Thanks.
*Edited at the Request of Management - Edits in bold
Ang, stop being so full of it. Madjai may not be able to harbor angry feelings toward you, but I'm not having a very hard time doing so. In the years I've known you, your charisma and friendliness have slowly been eclipsed by your less endearing traits. I kept wanting you to act in a way that proved you were the great friend that Madjai always claimed you were - but you haven't. That's all I have to say to you.
Nick, I love you. We're you an idiot? Maybe, but no more so than any person is with the feelings you have/had. People get stupid for other people - I personally think its a good thing. Not to sound poetic or cheesy, but I'm positive that out of this stupidity can come a happiness that's far greater than the pain you're feeling. You know what I'm getting at - you have to risk getting hurt to get the big win. So, hurt now. But don't let it make you gun shy.
Yay football! Yay Emo Album! (can I help with the drums that have that distant/distortion sound to them? they make everything seem more lonely, I swear.)
Walker,
I disagree with you. I let myself believe a lie for many years, and while I knew it to be false, I still thought someday, there might be something. I was wrong. I was really, really wrong.
I appreciate your comment about me not being gun shy; I only assume that you mean that I shouldn't be afraid to open up again. While you may be right, I can't see that right now.
wow. i dont even know what to say. i dont know how i've not been a good friend to nick, or what i've done wrong to imply that. I may have not made the best choices in my life, but i certainly have never done anything intentionally to hurt him, nor would i now.
I realize so much that i am hurting him right now...but i dont know what to do to make it STOP. as his friend, i'm trying to approach this situation in the most sincere way as i can ... i dont know what i'm doing wrong and dont understand what i've done to make you harbor ill feelings against me.
that really hurt.
yeah.
ah. i misunderstood. i apologize.
i thought i had lost another friend.
:( and i do remember the victory lap, how could any of us forget? :)
that was a good night.
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